POSTED 05/18/2018 14:27:43
"O God, please take these feelings away. I'm tired of feeling this way towards Chinedu, Desmond, and Raphael." this was my silent prayer when I was alone in my bedroom.
I wish I knew that God could not have answered such prayer. I grew up in a Christian home. My father was the district Pastor and my mum, Mma Etubom, as she was fondly called by all, was a God-fearing, strict and a disciplined woman. We all grew up to know that smoking, drinking of alcohol, stealing, fighting was sin.
Just like the commercial prayer house in our street, a day never passed without us praying even more than the Ufok Akam as it was called. Calling someone a fool was a sin which can lead to hellfire according to dad during his teaching one Monday morning which he actually took his reading from Matthew 5:22.
I was 17 years old when I began to have the tempting images of Chinedu, Desmond and Raphael in my mind. Chinedu was a very handsome boy, he was tall, hairy, had a pointed nose. Desmond and Raphael were two good friends who were already in the University. They were also handsome though Desmond was not as tall as Raphael. No girl would see these guys and wouldn't look back. I had sexual urge for these guys every day. Each time this feelings came I quickly remembered I was raised on the principle of total abstinence.
"Do not have sex until you are married", those were always the words coming from mum.
"All fornicators will go to hellfire" dad never ceased to exclaim when preaching on the altar.
My customized principle became, "I can do anything by the side and at night. I'll just make sure I don't do the real thing and I won’t get caught". That was how I started masturbating.
I grew in masturbation, which is the caressing of my genitals for sexual release. A night never passed without masturbation, during this act of mine, thoughts and imaginations of having sex with Chinedu, Desmond, and Raphael were always in my mind.
"Wow! This is cool! If this could be so cool then how about the real deal?" I rhetorically asked myself.
I further proceeded into watching porn videos on the mobile phone dad bought for me two years ago because I had 7As in my Senior Secondary One. He also promised to buy me a laptop if I passed my WAEC. I passed and he bought me one. I became a porn addict within some days.
I could not look at a boy without lusting after him. Each time I saw a handsome boy the pictures of the naked men I used to see on the internet kept coming through my mind. I remember when I pretended as if I wanted to ease myself at the backyard with the sole aim of peeping through the window of the bathroom just to peep at Elijah our neighbor taking his bath.
My lust had drilled a bottomless pit in my mind. My mind was in overdrive. I no longer had much interest in Chinedu, Desmond and Raphael because I saw the real thing by watching porn videos every day. I never saw these things as being stupid.
"Esther, you are smart!" I said this to myself with a smile.
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