POSTED 04/29/2018 16:09:13
What is love?
Is it about lustful organs hitting on another? Or is it the erratic tingling movement in your stomach they call butterflies? Isn't it odd that you can't sleep at night but you're thinking about a person you just met? Do you still remember when we first met? I think it was at the club on Friday, or was it on a Saturday? Because I think, I was ravished by your gorgeousness to remember. Do you remember how I stood gaping at how your hair was carefully loosed, so that they ran down through your shoulders curly and oily? Or was it when you smiled, exposing your lucent sets of teeth?
Do you remember how everyone stared at you when you ordered a brandy? Or was it when you were told by the bartender that smoking was not allowed at the section of the club were you sat? Did you ever thought that the brandy or the packet of cigarettes lying on you table would scare men away? That I would chicken out like the man with knotted hair that pranced about your table looking bossy but came crumbling when you scowled at him, puffed out smokes and pop out your eye balls which were already redden?
Do you remember how everybody in the club stopped to watch you when you wriggled your waist to Davido's Fia? Or was it when you swung your hair and every man in the club wanted to have a taste of you? Did you ever imagine, like I did that almost every women in the club envied you?
Do you remember the first words you said to me when I approached you? I think it was about why men always thought that women needed male company especially in settings like this or did you say more? Isn't it odd that I wasn't listening to your rant, but was busy staring at your diastema and your black gums? Do you remember how your face resonated, or was it some astonishment when I told you Udeme was my name? Wasn't it weird that in 2018 you still thought everyone with an Ibibio name was from Calabar? Or was it when you asked me how dog meat taste?
Was that a sort of curiosity I saw in your eyes when you asked me how long I'd last in bed? Was that why you gave me your number and told me your name was Precious? Did you feel ashamed when my friends congratulated me that I succeeded in getting your number when others couldn't, or did you thought like I did, that having a girl's number was not a gateway to the slit in between her legs? Isn't it odd that on our first meeting I saved your number as Venus with a heart emoji and not Shawarma like I'd every other random girl I meet?
Do you remember our first chat on WhatsApp? Or was it an interview, because at some point I got tired of answering your questions. Do you remember how you sent me dozens of kisses emoji when I told you I was a writer? Do you remember how we chatted late into the night and when you didn't respond again I knew you had fallen asleep? Or was it when I woke up to your sonorous voice wishing me a blessed day ahead? You might have thought me unromantic when I didn't send any to you, didn't you?
Do you remember our first official date? Was it at the cinema or was it the one I bumped into you in one of those shopping malls, and begged you to a bottle of juice with me? Will I be right if I say it was the cinema? Or would you say otherwise? I hope you haven't forgotten how we laughed at the couples who went to the bathroom to make out, or have you?
Do you remember how we talked about Black Panther on our way back home? How you said it was over hyped, or was it when you said the Sambisa forest scene was too fake? Was it the silence that made you slept off in the car or was it the alcohol you took, or did I bore you? Do you remember our first kiss? Did I ever tell you your lips tasted like mint, strawberry and popcorn? Was it your lipstick or was it my antsy thoughts? Don't tell me you've forgotten how you moaned to every thrust when we had sex later that night or was it when you told me that truly Calabar men were assassin in bed? Was it the sex that kept you or did you really loved me like you said?
Do you remember our first misunderstanding? Was it when I told you to quit smoking or was it when I told you to end your relationship with that boy you called Bestie? I hope you haven't forgotten how you abused me, called me all sorts of names? Or was it when you nearly broke the TV set? Did I ever tell you how I felt when you refused to pick my calls for weeks?
Will you believe me if I tell you I drank alcohol that week to calm my unswerving mind? You must have thought I was insensitive when I stopped calling, didn't you? Did you sense the panic in my text or the anxiety in my voice note when I couldn't hold back anymore?
Why didn't you tell me you were carrying my baby? Or did you think I wasn't ready for such responsibilities? Why didn't you tell me that your lungs were shriveling from cancer? Could it be the cigarette? Or was it the burning alcohol you often gulped hungrily like a baby sipping breast milk? Was your constant silence, your unnecessary burst of anger on frivolous issues the signs? Why didn't I notice the pills you swallowed every morning, noon and night? Do you think I was uncaring?
Or you didn't just want to disturb me with it? How could you, with such a dead sentence hovering over you, laughed freely, was it to hide the pains? How will I cope without you now? Who would sing 'Like you' for me with an awesome voice like yours?
Why didn't you let me fight it with you? Why did you have to choose to dangle from the rope as the only way out? Did you even think of us when you took that drastic decision? When did you become a coward? Why did you allow your fears ruin everything? Why Precious? Why?
Or is love always painful like this?
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