POSTED 01/22/2018 11:05:13
I've spent my entire life searching for you, oh sweet one. Little did I know my love had been with me all this while and I never knew it!
You had been with me through thick and thin, and had never for once complained. I know I have not really been a good friend, but as far as I could remember, you have always been a wonderful friend. You're an epitome of friendship. You have always had my interest at heart, I have hardly had your interest at heart. I know you love me so much that you even engraved my name in your heart. I know you also know I don't love you compared to the way you love me, yet you never for once complained. I know I only remember you when things are rough, so that when things are smooth, I throw you into the abyss of forgetfulness.
I'm sorry for playing the leech in this relationship of ours. Always wanting to get from you, without thinking of what I could offer to you. Always expecting you to make me happy, without thinking of what I could do to make you happy. Always demanding more from you and expecting you to demand less from me. You love me more than the way you hate to be unloved, yet you love me more than the way you loved to be loved in return. You care more about my feelings so much so that most times you forget about yourself and your own feelings. While I have always cared more about my feelings, forgetting how horrible my feelings make you feel. You have been selfless, I have been selfish.
Your entire being is emblazoned in love. When I was down, you lifted me up. I remember there was a time my life was nothing but a mosaic of misery. I went through a rollercoaster of dejection. Everyone I held so dear abandoned me to my fate. I knew no other human feeling than pain and more pain. There was no way I could undo this pain of dejection. I learnt to live with it through self-torture, thereby inflicting more pains on myself. I hated everything about life, including the air I breathed in. Every story about life sounded like a stale joke to me. The thought of living made no sense to me anymore. But the thought of death became my source of consolation because in death I found hope to my hopeless life.
I prayed for death to come, but it never came. I tried to cut short my life span, but I was so afraid to die that I couldn't take my life. Tears became my closest companions. Each night, I cried myself to sleep. while on the bed, my only prayer was for the giver of life to peacefully seize my breath and give it to those who had reasons to live, for they would appreciate it better. When I saw corpses, I admired them as they lay peacefully inside their caskets. I wished I could replace my body with theirs. I knew as far as I was concerned that I was only a living corpse. The life-giving spirit in me had left me, leaving my body to swim in the sea of pain and dejection.
When I heard news of people dying, I bit my lower lips, clenched my fists out of anger, hitting them on the wall until they bled, leaving bruises all over my knuckles. I felt like one who had been rejected by both life and death and had been condemned to an unending life of suffering, sustained by an empty breath which was neither for the purpose of living nor death, but only meant to prolong my suffering . I cursed Death for always killing those who hated to die and sparing those who loved to die. I cursed life for always seizing the breath of those who loved to live and giving life to those who hated to live and had no reason of living anymore. Life and death for me, were nothing but illusions and bundles of ironies, because I thought those duo loved and favoured those who hated them, while they hated and tortured those who loved them.
Until one night when you came to me with a charming smile that propelled me to fake a smile on my face that had been contorted by scowls and cringes. That night was to be my last night. I had turned a rat killer into a mug, mixing it with tea and milk to take it with bread as my last supper. When I finished preparing the tea, I held the cup on my shivering hand and a whirlpool of tears streamed down my eyes. I cried and cried inconsolably.
I dropped the cup on the ground and went to my bed. I buried my eyes on the pillow and cried until the pillow became soaked with my tears. You wiped my tears with your sparkling white handkerchief, put me on your lap and wrapped your arms around me. That day, I felt love for the first time.
“My good friend, why do you hate life so much?” You asked, as you stared at me with a look of concern.
“Because I had no reason to live anymore,” I retorted.
“Dearest friend, the life you live is not your own, it was given to you as a gift, learn to cherish it. The one who gives you the life is still keeping you alive for a reason, live and fulfill your purpose for living,” you said to me.
“But I don't want the life anymore, let him take it away from me,” I snapped.
“When you were giving the life, did you ask before you were given the life?” You asked, frowning.
“No, my consent was not sought.”
“Your consent was not sought because it was not your right to decide whether to live or not. So, just as you never asked before you were given the life, same way you have no right to take what you had no right to decide whether to be given or not. Do you know why you were giving the life to live on earth with fellow humans instead of been sent to a lone planet,” you said, smiling.
“No, I don't know, I think it's a matter of chance that I found myself in the midst of humans,” I shrugged my shoulders.
“You were never a product of chance. Your existence was preordained. You are an unrepeatable miracle. In all of history, there had never been anyone like you, and there will never be. You were given the life and sent to live with humans because your life is supposed to affect your fellow humans, that was why you were sent to live not with angels nor animals, but humans. Your life is not just a gift to yourself but also a gift to an entire humanity. If you take away your life, you deprive an entire humanity the gift of your presence, and nature will never forgive you for this. You are created for a purpose and you have no right to die until you fulfill your purpose of living. Before you hatch the thought of taking your life, think about how the world would feel about your death.”
“But no one cares about me anymore.” I retorted.
“The problem is not about who cares about you, the problem is whether you still care about your loved ones, who will eventually feel the pain, stigma and guilt of your death, should you decide to kill yourself?”
“Now tell me, what do I do?” I asked out of curiosity.
“It's simple. If you are able to gather the entire humanity to seek their consent before you take your life, then you are free to die. Otherwise, live!”
“But it's not possible to gather an entire humanity to seek their consent before I take my own life. That's ridiculous, you know !” I interjected.
You shrugged your shoulders and said with a gesture, “then it's not possible to take your life. Now tell me, are you ready to kill yourself?”
“No, I don't want to die anymore. I want to live.”
You smiled and said, “Why don't you want to kill yourself anymore?”
“Because I don't want to offend God and nature.”
You embraced me and gave me a long kiss, I felt the sweet smelling fragrance of your tender body, and the rhythm of your heartbeat. I heaved a sigh of relief and smiled for the first time.
“How do you know so much about life?” I asked, with a look of surprise.
“Because I'm life itself.”
“How do you mean? Or are you trying to tell me you are an angel of life?”
“ No, I'm not an angel of life. I'm the author of life. I sacrificed my life in order for you to live. I've paid for your death. You have no reason to die. I'm called Jesus.”
I screamed in excitement, hugging you tight until I fell off from the bed. Ever since I had that encounter, I made a resolve to continually love you, in whom I live move and have my being. You alone are my only true friend, Lord Jesus.
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